It's official, I'm a loser. I knew it a month ago, but it was confirmed on national television on Thursday night.
Suzuki. Bloody Suzuki.
It all started last year when I was invited along to the Perth Millionaire Hot Seat audition to write a piece about the process. On the spur of the moment, I took the test.
Maybe because the producers spotted a publicity opportunity, or maybe because I was something other than the typical middle-aged-man-working-in-IT contestant, but whatever the reason, I got the call that every applicant wanted.
My "supporter" and I boarded a flight to Melbourne on a Monday afternoon and were shuttled to a Docklands hotel with the other "interstaters".
We were the only ones from Perth, though others had come from as far afield as Adelaide, Tasmania and regional Queensland.
After a restless night's sleep, the alarm went off at six o'clock (four o'clock, according to my West Australian brain) and it was up for breakfast.
There are makeup artists and wardrobe people at the studios, but each contestant had to supply their own clothes – three options of outfit – and apply their own "basic" makeup.
I applied the first two brush strokes of foundation under my eyes – I felt like I was applying war paint and preparing for battle.
Six episodes are filmed on each "shoot day", which equates to 36 contestants in the Hot Seat format. There was also a "spare" contestant, in case someone didn't show up or fell ill.
We were slotted into an episode, seemingly to ensure a mix of personalities. A few were shuffled around when it became apparent there were several strong personalities in the same episode.
After a quick makeup and wardrobe check, it was time for rehearsals.
This was the most eye-opening part for me. There's a fake Eddie. His name is Michael.
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'Fake Eddie' takes the contestants through the rehersals Photo:Candice Barnes
Sure, he looked different, but if you closed your eyes you would swear you were talking to Mr McGuire himself. Same energy, same mannerisms, similar sense of humour. We were even told to call him Eddie.
Fake Eddie proved to be just the thing to ease our pre-show nerves. He told us where to walk, where not to walk, and affirmed that many people even manage to get that wrong in the heat of the moment.
Shortly after lunch time, the supporters arrived. My long-suffering partner Callum donned a nice shirt, styled his hair and had a little powder applied to his nose for what turned out to be a two-second appearance on screen.
We watched the other contestants win, lose, pass and switch until it was my turn at the plate. Episode five of the day – and I was first in the chair.
If you think about it, the first and second chairs are the only ones playing for the million, but they're also unlikely to get back into the chair if they choose to pass a question.
I didn't go in with a strategy – if I knew the answer, I'd say so. If I could take an educated guess, I would.
Eddie McGuire opens the show on Millionaire Hot Seat. Photo: Channel 9
A lot of people asked me if I thought the show was rigged. There certainly is the opportunity for it to be – all contestants fill in a four page document detailing their strengths and weaknesses when it comes to trivia.
Naturally, I lied. Well, I didn't really lie, I was just really, really specific and conveniently left out the fact that I know next to nothing about sport.
Well, karma's a bitch. My first question, the $100 question, related to sport. For some reason, I did know what the twelfth man was and managed to avoid the fate of burger ring girl.
The real Eddie and I had a bit of banter, most of which was cut out of the broadcast, and I started to feel confident.
Questions two and three came and went, but at the $500 question, I came unstuck.
I had a Kawasaki keyboard as a kid, and it was the only option I knew had anything to do with music, so I picked that.
Buh-bow. I was out of there and was soon shuffled off to the shuttle bus back to the airport.
Man, I was so devastated. I fancy myself a bit of a trivia whiz, but that question simply fell outside of the information contained in my grey matter.
It's firmly in there now though, because I cringe every time I see a Suzuki car on the road.
The whole episode can be viewed online at the 9jumpin website.
