Chocolates, cards and flowers all seem so ... commercial and contrived. If I want to get into the original spirit of St Valentine's Day, what would I need to do?
First, if you're a young man, you slaughter a goat and a dog, presumably with loving thoughts. You cut the hide into strips, making them whip-like. Next, you run naked and drunk through the street, lightly whipping any young women standing about. The women, getting into the spirit of things, will hold out their hands to take the sting (just as they would if you were to hand them a thorny rose, curiously enough). If the women are pregnant, the gentle flogging guarantees an untroubled delivery; for single women, the touch of the lash promotes fertility. Later in the day, you settle down for the night with a girl whose heart – or at least, saucy embrace – you've won via a lottery. This according to some historians, others say the lottery happened much later.
Hang on, was this some pagan perversity?
Back off with the judgmental tone, man. The whipping spree was part of what the ancient Romans called Lupercalia, a fertility and coupling festival held in the middle of February, celebrating the approaching northern spring. If you want perversity, spend the day riding a tram with one of those teddy bear balloons with the words "I WUV YOU" printed across the chest.
But how did St Valentine get involved? Was he, like, God's ambassador of romance and candle-lit dining?
According to Professor Carole Cusack, from the University of Sydney's department of religious studies, the Catholic Saint Valentine was "allegedly" a priest during the reign of Claudius II (213-270) known as Claudius Gothicus. Valentine is said to have assisted Christians facing persecution and was clubbed to death for his trouble on February 14 in the year 270. "It's generally agreed there are no texts of historical value from the late antique period to establish the bona fides of any of these candidates," says Professor Cusack.
OK, so if Valentine actually existed, apart from martyring himself for the love of God and put-upon believers, what did he do to further the cause of the fun kind of love that almost always ends in tears?
There is a story that Claudius, who in reality spent most of his time away from Rome waging war, ordered that his soldiers remain single – because, like some football coaches, he felt that conjugal relations compromised their performance on the (battle)field. Valentine, in one version of the legend, secretly married a bunch of lovelorn soldiers (married them to girls, not to each other). When Claudius found out, Valentine was not only clubbed but beheaded.
It seems 'Saint Valentine' got adopted because it sounds nice.
Well, maybe. The Church needed to put an end to naked whipping parties (don't mention the Inquisition) and putting in a proxy saint, especially one who has suffered a gruesome death, tends to make things more wholesome.
For goodness sake, when did all the love-token drivel get started?
According to Professor Cusack Carole, "devotion to the cult of St Valentine on the part of lovers did not develop until the High Middle Ages, and then chiefly in England and France." Like, when knights were chivalrous and wrote letters to other men's wives – but generally kept their pants on. Geoffrey Chaucer's narrative poem The Parliament of Fowls contains the lines "For this was sent on Seynt Valentyne's day, Whan every foul cometh ther to choose his mate." Cusack says this suggests it was accepted that romantic relationships "were forged on 14 February".
The reference to "fowls" seems odd. But folklore at that time held that birds did their mating on Valentine's Day.
It was during this time that people swapped home-made paper tokens bearing sweet nothing. By the 19th century, commercially produced cards came into vogue, leading to an avalanche of heart-shaped gewgaws that give the economy a little jolt.
So we've come full circle?
That's right. It's all about flogging stuff.
